Petting the Pandas

There are certain moments

2012-01-22T17:21:00.001-05:00

When you really just have to throw your head back and laugh with all your might.

And my god, does it feel good.

And I quote...

2011-09-26T01:19:00.000-04:00

Remember that time

2011-07-25T00:22:00.003-04:00

Called my grandma for her birthday. Was on phone for 17 minutes and some-odd seconds and just that, somehow, "made her evening." Which made mine.

View from the floor

2011-05-17T03:25:00.003-04:00

It's still charming, but...

My kitchen sink won't stop drip drip dripping

I tried to drill a hole in concrete wall. Hole now taunts me

My stovetop makes funny monster noises

Of course, I wouldn't have it any other way. Nestled in despite the absence of anything personal. My self makes it.

Exclamations!

2011-03-25T16:38:00.002-04:00

It is beautiful outside!

I am not outside!

Moving in a week!

So much happening!

2011-03-20T21:56:00.000-04:00

2010-09-14T01:04:00.003-04:00

So I go running, as I often (try to) do.

I pull a muscle I never knew existed in my leg.

Now I can barely walk!

Sitting just-so on the middle couch cushion appears to do the trick. Now let's see how many days can pass before cabin fever sets in and I go all "Misery" on my own freaking limb.

Empty wallet

2010-09-07T23:30:00.001-04:00

Oh hello shopping binge. Three skirts, two dresses, three pairs of shoes, and five shirts later...

Teevee

2010-09-07T15:13:00.003-04:00

I could not have loved this week's Mad Men more.

Hey, you gotta sweet shelf

2010-08-26T14:43:00.001-04:00

Liked this piece.

"Much of the joy in new love comes from the excitement of mutual discovery, of opening one’s mind to another person who opens his or her own in turn. A subject that never interested us before is suddenly fascinating, because the beloved is obsessed with it; and explaining our own obsessions to another person can help illuminate them all over again."

Sigh

2010-08-24T06:35:00.003-04:00

I don't mean for this to be a dumping ground when sad things happen. But. My mom called and said our fluffy, perfect little cat Oreo died. Right out of the blue. My poor mom and dad. I wish I was home.

Nice frames

2010-08-07T20:56:00.002-04:00

"Those are naughty. You look like you should be spanking someone right now."

-- My (favorite) optician, upon fitting my new specs

Yesterday

2010-08-06T00:49:00.004-04:00

We walked into my building after work. I changed purses, drank half a glass of water, gathered my friends, headed downstairs and outside. And during that seven minutes or so, someone had jumped off the 14th floor and was dead on the sidewalk. A dozen cops were there, police tape around the front door, blanket over the body. How does a thing like that happen in the span of two elevator rides and half a glass of water.

New view

2010-08-01T08:07:00.001-04:00

Finally found a good pair of glasses. I put them on and they just felt...right.

2010-07-12T00:24:00.000-04:00

Happy two years, New York.

I celebrated by cutting my hair and falling asleep on the couch before eating dinner.

Yesterday I had many things to say. Now I'm sleeeeeepy.

Why don't I do these things

2010-06-26T21:08:00.005-04:00

I want to go to a baseball game.

I want to swim in a lake.

I want to get tan.

I want to read books and not Amazon reviews of books.

I want a mushroom burger from Shake Shack right now.

If not now, tomorrow. If not tomorrow, soon.

You know when you have a truly ______ kind of week, and you want to slowly sink down and disappear between your floorboards? And then you look down and realize you don't have any goddamn floorboards, that you can't even rid the world of yourself properly, so you're stuck here, walking on parquet, wishing you were anywhere else? Then you should do yourself a favor--go have some goddamn vegan ice cream and walk around the city and then have the dentist tell you that despite avoiding check-ups for two years and flossing maybe once a month and eating M&Ms daily, you don't have any cavities. And then praise yourself for doing such a stupid, small, adult thing that you avoided. And then sit two feet away from your air conditioner and read a free book. And go on, breathe a little easier. Because your life's fixable, isn't it? You lost the DIY manual during the move from apartment three to apartment four, but you were never going to read it anyway. So do all that, please, and then I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey John Waters!

2010-06-12T18:51:00.000-04:00

What's a day in your life like?

From Monday to Friday, I get up at 6 a.m., read six or seven papers and then by 8, I think of something weird. And then I get together with my office and try to sell it. On Friday nights, I go to bars and drink. — USAT

2010-05-29T22:57:00.003-04:00

One of the reasons I will never buy a Kindle, perfectly illustrated here.

Also, I didn't know a blank page in the front or back of a book was called a flyleaf. That's nearly as neat as deckle edge.

Hallelujah

2010-05-20T18:15:00.000-04:00

I can't stop watching this. Amazing.

2010-05-15T18:43:00.002-04:00

And yes, I've yet again abandoned this place in favor of Word docs and notebooks stashed in my purse. Sorry about that.

Hello non-weekend

2010-04-09T23:39:00.004-04:00

Aaaaand, wrote a bit this morning. Then did extra work for work. Then filed my taxes and kicked self for paying H&R Block nearly $200 last year for something that took me an hour. (Live. Learn.) Cleaned kitchen. Went for a run. Regretted run when allergies kicked in (I thought I left those in CA?). Did laundry. Watched Mad Men--I finally understand what everyone was talking about months ago with the tractor and the foot and the chaos. Ate dinner miserably late, am still hungry. Bloody amputation does not stifle appetite.

The one when she got away

2010-04-08T01:02:00.002-04:00

Last week, I ran away to Boston for a few days. Kathy was the very best hostess a lost girl could ask for. Even though it was the soggiest, windiest vacation, it was nice to stop, breathe, eat fried foods, look at art, watch the Dominos Pizza Tracker, and step away for a bit.

And then I came back and (almost) everything that was bad quickly changed into something good. How about that. My life's brimming.

Only very rarely

2010-03-27T22:56:00.001-04:00

First Fig

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light.

2010-03-18T15:36:00.002-04:00

Busy couple of weeks...saw Hillary Clinton, Meryl Streep, Katie Couric (and many more) at a conference for work...heard some tragic and inspiring stories.

Also saw The Miracle Worker (good) and Next Fall (great) on Broadway...

And now the weather's finally beautiful, the sun stays out past five. I have a few complaints.

Hello, goodbye

2010-03-09T22:58:00.003-05:00

Just now, local news reporter said: "Cuuuute puppy alert!"

Today felt unusual. I blame it on not reading this morning on the subway--or on the way home. Cars cut 10 minutes off from my commute but aren't worth it. I never quite wake up.

Moved on to a little-known author's short stories. Prefer those rather than loooong novels. Or over-written memoirs. Rather they were under-written.

Sorry. I might be back when there's something interesting to say.

Must sleep, can't sleep, up in a few hours.

Chomp chomp

2010-03-05T17:50:00.002-05:00

Reminder to self: Read this article about food in children's books.

The passages describing meals, even the simplest ones, were always my favorite...

Sweet Thursday

2010-03-04T21:22:00.002-05:00

I ran this morning. Felt amazing. Will wake up sore tomorrow, but...oh well.

Laundry, cleaned, worked.

Now sipping honey vanilla chamomile and watching TV.

Wayback (word) machine

2010-03-02T23:46:00.007-05:00

So I just found two old papers from college. (They're from 2007. To me, this constitutes "old.") And I'm wading through "howevers" and "in so doings" and clauses stacked on clauses.

"For example, the mother’s desire that Esther learn shorthand is ironic, as it is basically a shortcut around the act of writing that Esther so loves and wishes to pursue. Her mother’s own career of teaching shorthand seems dreadful to her daughter, as Esther “wanted to dictate her own thrilling letters” instead of being submissive to the thoughts of a man (76). In Esther’s view, her mother perpetuates the cycle of women as mere conduits, not initiators, of creativity. "

From "Negotiating the Mother-Daughter Relationship in The Bell Jar" written for a contemporary fiction class. (Of course I loved The Bell Jar.) My papers were all over the place. It's refreshing now to see where they could use a nip, a tuck, or a complete rewrite. It means I know more than I did in 2007, just as I know more today than I did yesterday, more now than an hour ago. So on, so forth.

The other paper, a review of Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, made me cringe after only a few words. "Joan Didion, it could be said, sells herself out..." What was I thinking? "It could be said"? The only thing I learned in the past two and a half years (a lifetime in twentysomethingness) is: Just say it. Out with the words.

Of course, the rest of the paper is earnest blabber. And then I end on "Joan Didion's grief-stricken heart will surely break yours as well." Yeesh. No wonder I was always such a dark cloud.

(By the way, just finished another sad memoir today. Comforting that some things do not change.)

Oy

2010-03-02T00:07:00.000-05:00

I'd really like to not be in this place right now.

Or ever again.

Lessons learned...

2010-02-24T00:08:00.004-05:00

Nobody likes a flake. (So don't be one.)

El Jalapeno near my apartment is actually very good "Mexican" food.

Reading on the subway changes the day.

Tweet envy

2010-02-21T08:20:00.003-05:00

"Sun coming up. Hawks hovering outside. Dancing in the kitchen with the bread dough and the blues. Good way to start a Sunday." —Ruth Reichl

Zooey Deschanel...on ice

2010-02-19T21:55:00.003-05:00

Feeling spent from a long day.

Forgot what it was like outside when it's light out. Not too cold, wandered around the UES, into Bloomingdale's and out with a spray of perfume on my wrist (who could resist a 60-year-old man with Chanel?) and into Grand Central...

In other news, this Canadian ice dancer Tessa Virtue skating tonight had an eerie resemblance to Zooey Deschanel. Or maybe my eyes need to be checked.

You're a-muse-ing

2010-02-18T16:31:00.005-05:00

If I can wake up at 5:15 every Saturday and Sunday, why is it impossible to get out of bed before 1 p.m. on my weekends...

Old habits die hard? Late sleepers die young?

Off to fix my life in the daylight hours that are left.

And this song, "Thieves," by She & Him is gorgeous. Please listen. Then pick your heart up from the floor.

Searching for the good

2010-02-17T15:06:00.001-05:00

"I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn't always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out."

Truly moving article about Roger Ebert.

"Do you know what's wrong with you?"

2010-02-12T13:33:00.000-05:00

Fuzzy-headed and it's so very, very bright outside.

Again, I love Tina Fey. She even makes fashion less alienating. Which reminds me, must shop soon.

And to avoid accusations of magazine favoritism (and because they're worth your time), check out these photos of Mars made of paprika and a moon made of ash.

Then watch clips from Nora Ephron's favorite romantic comedies.

Finally, come find me and I'll tell you how to spend the rest of your day.

Separating the wheat from the chaff

2010-02-10T23:52:00.000-05:00

From this week's tabloids, the only two pages that matter. [Jezebel]

Also juicy: The Enquirer says John Edwards supposedly proposed to Rielle. Of course she accepted...no woman can resist his Lego hair.

Trouble ahead

2010-02-10T21:49:00.000-05:00

So, getting a splinter was the best part of my day.

That was fun.

Must

2010-02-10T12:57:00.001-05:00

How do I not own this yet?

True love

2010-02-09T17:04:00.000-05:00

"He is just like my typical guido juicehead with like a good personality. He's actually a body builder and works at the gym. I am really excited to like show the public who he is. He is freaking banging. We're the sexiest couple I have ever seen in my entire life so I am excited for everybody to see that." —Snooki on her new boyfriend, Emilio Antonio [NYDN via Vulture]

A bunch of disparate semi-tweets does not a post make

2010-02-08T21:52:00.000-05:00

Today I saw Nigel Barker, photographer/America's Next Top Model judge, while grabbing lunch. It was the second time in two weeks. I imagine I'm a terribly interesting person to stalk. "What kind of soup will she order??" (Italian Wedding...naturally.) "Is she wearing her black--or black and white--scarf today??" (Black.)

Dullard.

He's very tall. I used to spot celebrities all the time in Los Angeles. Apparently, sometime in the last year, I stopped looking at people.

Was compelled this morning to ride the E train all all all the way up, past my 16th St. stop and follow it wherever it goes (....Queens?). Must finish book.

And, again, hello

2010-02-05T15:21:00.000-05:00

Somewhere along the way, I stopped writing in here. Then I stopped in my notebooks and the margins of paper that always line the bottom of my purse. And I stopped reading, too, aside from one book I carried to Central Park six months ago. For all of the 'reading' that happens during my day -- headlines, ledes, and little else -- nothing was sticking. My mind felt much less alive than before. And in the midst of trying to shape everyone else's sentences, I lost my own words.

Anyway.

Perhaps it's time for a new blog. Or no blog. Or to keep my navel-gazing private.

But I'm finishing books again. That feels good. And I'll work on finding new adjectives. A few other than 'good.'

Day off

2010-01-07T16:25:00.001-05:00

Why does it feel so good to clean? And take out the trash and pay bills and hang up my strewn-about sweaters?

Resolving

2010-01-02T00:58:00.000-05:00

A very curious thing, this new year.

In some ways, I am entirely different. But I still recognize myself in these thoughts from a year ago.

Must sleep...work very soon.

Christmas, is that you?

2009-12-17T00:38:00.000-05:00

While grocery shopping, I saw these delicious treats and was reminded of my grandma's house. I sat on the cracked yellow stool in the kitchen, eating my Little Debbie cakes, while she puttered around the kitchen baking biscotti.

Home's going to be good.

T.G.I.W.

2009-12-16T22:59:00.000-05:00

I'm tired.

I need to get away.

Whine whine, whining over.

Freezing face

2009-12-11T04:05:00.000-05:00

Would pay good money (~$3) for a warm, toasted everything bagel with plain cream cheese right now. And a cup of coffee in a tiny and constantly refilled mug.

Is it 4 a.m.? I hadn't noticed...

Exhausted

2009-12-06T23:37:00.000-05:00

And sending every bit of my love to Mop right now.

That's really all.

Ruh roh

2009-12-04T14:20:00.000-05:00

Another "weekend" passed and I've yet to start my Christmas shopping. Only two weeks to go...

Let the anxiety begin

2009-11-30T23:38:00.000-05:00

I bought my planet tickets home.

And just scarfed pizza, two cookies, and Twizzlers.

The two are not unrelated.

Also, writing this was fun today.

Now I'm kicking off my Hush Puppies and finishing up Last Chance Harvey. I'm 407 years old. (And like it.)

Words

2009-11-30T12:40:00.000-05:00

“Human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap crude rhythms for bears to dance to, while longing to make music that will melt the stars.” — Gustave Flaubert

Holidaze

2009-11-28T20:50:00.001-05:00

Happy post-Thanksgiving, all. Had another lovely meal at Jo's sister Mary's house for the big holiday. They're such fun, those sisters.

Was extraordinarily lazy this weekend. Netflix and pie for lunch and such.

All's well until I was struck with an unfortunate bout of food poisoning at 4 a.m. this morning. That was so lovely, especially when my alarm was set for 5:15. Somehow made it into the office, and here I am, 13 hours later, and the website didn't even explode on my watch.

Keeping on...

Cold weather, hot soup

2009-11-23T00:27:00.000-05:00

The leaves were gone, but I finally made it back to the Berkshires.

The aunts and I went to the spa at Cranwell, where I discovered the joys of massage. (Creepy?) Blissed out afterwards.

Went shopping at the outlets today. Nothing can come between me and a Banana Republic Factory Store. Throw in 40 percent off and I'm set for life. Or at least through the end of the month.

Other notables: Sunshine Cleaning is a surprisingly good film. Also, we ate oodles of delicious food (some noodles). And it's so quiet there--I forgot what it was like to think. Both bad and good. But...I'll learn again.

Dresser? I hardly know her!

2009-11-19T23:21:00.000-05:00

My deep, dark secret is no more.

After living in New York over a year, I've still been...sigh...living out of suitcases. Buying a dresser, especially living on a fourth floor walk-up, always seemed daunting.

Or I could try to explain with a tortured metaphor about not wanting to settle in, why not committing to anything--even furniture--was my way of saying life here was temporary. But that's not true. I'm here for good. I was just lazy.

So after finding a dresser on Craigslist today (easier than hiking out to Red Hook's IKEA), I called a man with a van, and in a half hour, my clothes were liberated.

Simple.

My room now feels lived-in, a little more complete. Settling is nice.

Also had the best sandwich of my life after eyeing this place for six months. Did laundry. Paid bills. Became a normal person again.

And heading to the Berkshires tomorrow for my first Saturday and Sunday off in months. So happy.

Oh yes, and I was on a video podcast earlier this week. My life is so strange.

Three things

2009-11-14T16:15:00.000-05:00

My fortune from Grand Sichuan yesterday: Read in order to live.

Wish I could be there for my best friend right now. Sending so much love your way, Mop.

And I really need this. Like, now.

F-r-r-r-reezing

2009-11-13T13:59:00.000-05:00

Forgot what winters are like. (I think it's still fall?)

Last night I dreamed it was snowing. Kept waking up, seeing it was still dark, back to sleep.

Love me some Journey

2009-11-10T23:56:00.000-05:00

I can't ever get enough of this song.

Perched

2009-11-06T16:09:00.000-05:00

Today is freezing and sunny and I went outside to walk in it and felt goooooooooooooood.

ETA: Let's hope I can coast on that through the weekend.

One year ago

2009-10-31T23:27:00.000-04:00

I had an interview after a brief period of unemployment.

And somehow 365 days passed...

Surreal.

Serious case of the mundanes

2009-10-30T13:54:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was the most productive day of my life.

Cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, washed dishes, did two loads of laundry, paid bills, trashed a broken lamp that's been sitting in my room for five months, etc...etc...oh, and got my boots fixed. By the cobbler man.

All in all, not much, but for a person who can barely pull her life together, it's not bad.

White whine

2009-10-28T23:16:00.000-04:00

Netflix shipped me a film I already watched instantly last week.

I left my screener of the next episode of Glee at work.

And tomorrow's my Saturday.

Sad.

Novelty

2009-10-26T22:12:00.000-04:00

The last time I finished a book it was sunny, I was sitting in Central Park, and my brain felt a little more alive.

So, maybe it's time to try that again.

Food

2009-10-23T16:03:00.000-04:00

It's dark and gloomy and awful now, but yesterday I had a (work-related) lunch at Daniel. Ridiculous. No clue what was served in front of me, but loved it all. And I want to be Mrs. Boulud.

2009-10-09T21:50:00.000-04:00

Irving Penn
Summer Sleep
New York, 1949

I'm 23.

2009-10-01T00:25:00.000-04:00

Oh, hi.

So...it's been another year.

This one has given me more than I ever could have guessed.

That's something...

This old tourist town

2009-09-24T17:04:00.000-04:00

I listen to this on repeat. All day.

Death by cute

2009-09-19T08:46:00.000-04:00

The panda disappeared again...

2009-08-21T23:28:00.000-04:00

Should probably stop keeping up this ruse with the site. I don't write much anymore, not really, and if I did little of it would go here.

Still, it's fun to look back...so, maybe I'll try? Try, try again.

Update -- food, lots of it. Fun, more of it. Live, work, etc. Made it to the Berkshires for the first time this summer, this after spending nearly every weekend there a year ago. I work on the weekends now...actually in five hours or so.

Need to read more, complain less...life's OK.

Does anyone read this?

2009-07-16T13:50:00.000-04:00

I disappoint myself...

In other news, someone near my apartment has a wireless connection named "BUBBLES."

This makes me inordinately happy.

First of many

2009-07-12T22:34:00.000-04:00

Happy anniversary, New York.

It's been a year.

Here I still am: Two apartments, two jobs, thousands of subway trips, and a million words later.

What to say?

2009-07-09T23:40:00.000-04:00

Quickly, because I have a movie to watch and a night to finish...

Crashed at the aunts' apartment yesterday, caught up on life, reminded how much they complete me and my existence here. Lounged with the pup in the morning. Then coffee, duck-ogling in Central Park, reading in Sheep Meadow with sun on my face until so unbelievably happy I could barely recognize myself, walking, walking, Bloomingdale's (why not?), bought a shirt at H&M, met Emmers for dinner—the melts at Murrays were not to be—and then finally, finally, wandered the aisles at the Strand. Bought Slouching Towards Bethlehem. And I'm very glad to be thinking and noticing again—the little moments on the sidewalks, the way the bearded man hails a cab with a twirl of one finger in the air.

When I was job searching, sitting in my nook, I would read and re-read this Didion excerpt in a book of New York essays.

"It would be a long while because, quite simply, I was in love with New York. I do not mean “love” in any colloquial way, I mean that I was in love with the city, the way you love the first person who ever touches you and you never love anyone quite that way again. I remember walking across Sixty-second Street one twilight that first spring, or the second spring, they were all alike for a while. I was late to meet someone but I stopped at Lexington Avenue and bought a peach and stood on the corner eating it and knew that I had come out out of the West and reached the mirage. I could taste the peach and feel the soft air blowing from a subway grating on my legs and I could smell lilac and garbage and expensive perfume and I knew that it would cost something sooner or later—because I did not belong there, did not come from there—but when you are twenty-two or twenty-three, you figure that later you will have a high emotional balance, and be able to pay whatever it costs. I still believed in possibilities then, still had the sense, so peculiar to New York, that something extraordinary would happen any minute, any day, any month."

Mirage, indeed.

My life is so improbable.

A year ago...I can't even explain. Not even at my most earnest—it's impossible.

I can only laugh. And remain ridiculously in love.

The 4th

2009-07-04T20:48:00.000-04:00

Happy holiday.

Celebrated with brunch, a stroll about the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, and by getting to know a bench in Prospect Park. The sun burned me.

I should head out -- celebrate more, and with a beverage different than coffee -- but the 4th is funny in one way: anything I do will pale in comparison to homemade ice cream and watching fireworks from the corner of my grandma's lawn so, why try?

There was news today

2009-06-26T03:10:00.000-04:00

Slept two and a half-ish hours...

Work / networking coffee date kinda early in the morn...

Rolled into work at noon (three hours early) -- Farrah dies...huge scramble...

Working on homepage for two hours, hear news that Michael Jackson was rushed to hospital...

The King of Pop dies, scramble, scramble...

Goodbye party, champagne, cookies, for two coworkers who are leaving...

Work work work...

Drink drink drink for nearly departed coworker...

Work work work until 2:30 am...

Detoxing

2009-06-25T03:40:00.000-04:00

Unsure I know how to sleep during a regular normal-people-hour time period.

Also, I'm an idiot. And every time that word comes up I'm reminded of a day in the fourth grade when one of my classmates/painfully one-sided crushes of the moment, Aaron, was reading a book aloud (almost positive it was this one) and said a character was an "eye-dot." The poor boy misread "idiot." Everyone laughed--probably making him feel as foolish as the word he couldn't pronounce. Of course, my crush faded right then.

In addition to that also, I did nothing today. Literally...n...o...t...h...i...n...g. When finally decided to, y'know, get out of the house and buy what's-that-word-again-oh-yes groceries, was reminded that the store closes at 9 pm. Foodfail. (Note: Am horribly bored and/or pained by all the BLANKfail word constructions but can't stop because am uncreative and my head hurts.)

One thing: the High Line is wonderful. And about two feet away from my workplace.

Another: Was (miraculously!) able to attend my wonderful aunt's birthday dinner at the Boathouse in Central Park. Perfect place. Turtles swam in the lake alongside gondolas. And I was reminded just how much I miss them...

Trying to sleep now.

And so it is...

2009-06-21T00:09:00.000-04:00

Hmmm.

No cash, no delicious eateries in my neighborhood that take anything other than cash, and I might have eaten my last frozen meal.

PB&J it is. And, again, I can only shrug my tired, worked-13-hour shoulders and say...whatever works.

Once upon a time...

2009-06-18T17:01:00.001-04:00

I had a blog.

I wrote in the blog.

It might have been boring, and vague, and read by the few who still put up with me, but at least, every day, there were a few sentences from me, written for me, unprompted by anything other than the fact that I wanted to write them.

Maybe I'll try that again.

Utterly exhausted

2009-06-15T06:39:00.001-04:00

The weekends kill me.

And yet, I am awake.

Dealbreaker

2009-06-13T03:39:00.000-04:00

Font.

I'll tell ya, it can make or break a sentence.

My parade

2009-06-11T23:58:00.001-04:00

The rain! Couldn't! Stop me!

Although most of yesterday was a bust--really, why do I loll about in bed for most of the day?--finally had a lovely, 3-hour long catch-up dinner with Surafel at Tartine. We drank and ate and drank and were very, very merry for many reasons, namely because my friend is done done done with his boards and he's no longer in seclusion. Huzzah!

Then today had a wonderful, long-overdue lunch date with Kristen. I love that we're still on the same page seven months later. Then Target, stores, errands, etc.

Good times for a gloomy weekend...

Oh, love

2009-06-10T12:29:00.000-04:00

Still so dry, so wonderful.

Hmmmm....

2009-06-09T03:54:00.000-04:00

1. I need to start having more fun. Saturday was a good start. Thanks Michelle.

2. First home: work. Second home: back of cab. Third home: apt.

3. It is raining (I am in my second home) and lost my Beast umbrella on either an A C E D N or R train. Someone please fix this problem for me.

4. Life is grand.

Holy ricotta-filled pastry

2009-06-04T02:09:00.000-04:00

Haven't read the news all day. Feel behind on life. This is...healthy.

Today: cleaned kitchen, set up bed (comfy, cozy), fixed my window, read in coffee shop (only checked email twice), and made unplanned trip to Little Italy to drink tea with Emily and eat a chocolate cannoli. Good day. Oh, also, I live in a new place now with ceiling fans and bright lights and too much space for my too few belongings.

And with that, good night.

Two homes not better than one

2009-06-02T02:22:00.000-04:00

For some reason my new apartment and I don't get along. Front door locked (hates me) so I am (again) spending night at the old one. Except this time I will sleep. On couch.

What a strange life I lead.

Not a good life planner

2009-05-31T00:43:00.000-04:00

Might have broken my back moving belongings today.

Might have broken my spirit by calling two cars to pick me up and drop me off from work in the span of eight hours.

I have no clothes in this apartment now. Troublesome...

Bare bones

2009-05-30T00:39:00.000-04:00

Days off: Saw Away We Go (good, sweet) and Aliens Exist, a new play written by the sinfully talented Kristin Froberg. Traipsed about with Cindy Koh, one of my nearest and dearest. She reminds me of home, calms me, and gives clarity, so much ridiculous clarity to the most cloudy situations. A gem, that one.

And still, although I had days of freedom (or perhaps because of them) I felt strange and lost. Came home in the rain yesterday and saw, upon walking into my apartment, a torn up photo of a ridiculously good-looking couple stuffed into the narrow corner of a mailbox slot adjacent to my own. It was summer -- she wore sunglasses, he a white jacket, and now it was seven jagged pieces. Shit. You can grasp and cobble together something and call it a life -- but when is it ever?

Also: moving tomorrow. Haven't packed. Am sitting on our creaky, bare wood floor now, sifting through what little paper detritus I've acquired since October. Bank statements, work statements, innumerable cards from California, most with cats on the front. Unsure now if I categorize my oft-repeated statement "I don't have much -- I don't need much here" as a source of pride or an example of cowardice. It's easy to flee when there's nothing tying you to a place.

What I'll miss -- the forest green walls, the two gold birds, the view of the bricks, the tree, the sky. The deep, unavoidable creak when I step on the eighth and ninth floorboards. The pink bathroom. The piece of shit fridge. The chance of glimpsing someone's broken relationship after walking in the building. The front door that can (accidentally) lock itself upside down. I'm less sentimental now, surely, but never promised it all disappeared...

So, resolution. I will decorate this new place -- not to show it off to others (because God knows no one treks to Brooklyn) but for myself. I will settle. I will nest. I'll keep...cobbling.

Greetings from the ayem

2009-05-28T07:33:00.001-04:00

Hello MORNING.

Haven't seen you lately.

You're looking well. Maybe even swell.

One exceptionally bad thing about having weekdays off: (almost) everyone is too tired to go out. (My version of going out, of course, is dinner at 7:30. Nothing wilder, promise.)

Exceptionally good: Less-crazy Target experience.

Back to coffee.

PS - I keep receiving travel newsletters with deals and low-low-low airfare specials and...stop it, email. Quit it, alright? I'm not flying anywhere and, quite frankly, nor do I want to.

Uber prep

2009-05-24T00:45:00.000-04:00

I want this and a number of other items for summer. And of course it's the suiting dress. I can't want the party dress or the wedding dress (although I have a white number--unworn--that looks ready for the aisle). No, I want the plain Jane wool one. And I will have it.

In other news, I'm 80 years old.

Lackadaisylazyical

2009-05-23T03:12:00.000-04:00

On my days off I...saw the sun. And friends. And it was all pleasant and not painful to step away from the computer. I looked identical to Knut, seen above. (Did, however, spend half of each day on email. Baby steps, baby steps.) At a gathering of blogger types a woman who could double for the crazy-eyed real housewife of New York told me I needed a tan. Or was it, "could definitely use some sun"? Think it was both. To which I can only point, laugh. At myself. Because it's all true, all of it! Iamavampire.

My brain and I read a book: this one. Rather devastating. "I could hear my heart beating. I could hear everyone's heart. I could hear the human noise we sat there making, not one of us moving, not even when the room went dark." Liked it very much. Decided to read another.

Mind and eyes still hurt at the end of every day from reading, reading, thinking (not hard, promise) but it's a good ache--a productive one.

Troubling: Missed my aunt's birthday dinner tonight. I will (and do) sacrifice weekends and holidays but gosh if that didn't sting the most. Also troubling: a BlackBerry has wandered into my life and he may be the most darling and evil thing I've ever seen. Most troubling: Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. was pretty cute in high school.

What?

Also: Could really go for a waffle right now. Or when I wake up. Someone please make this happen?

Tuesday is the next Friday

2009-05-20T01:33:00.001-04:00

For me, at least.

Someone asked about my plans for the "weekend" (the first two consecutive days I've had off in months). Sleep? Eat? Wander? Read? Fly far, far away?

Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself. Recharge, maybe.

Wordfail

2009-05-17T00:58:00.000-04:00

Lazing about. Did excellent job of removing self from computer for majority of the day (my day off. Note the singular). Am back now, of course. Determined not to fall asleep with laptop on lap. Dangerous (in case falls) and sad (because it is my other half).

What goes on? I was sick. Had to blindly hope wasn't something contagious or life-threatening or swine-related as I'm not allowed to see a doctor (or so says my wallet). Signed a lease on a new apartment and am moving in--two?--weeks. Slumlord's finally selling this lovely place, and I have to say I am sad...I'll miss those gold embossed birds on my wall, and the brick wall view and the creaky floor, but not the pink-tiled bathroom or the dark fridge that spews water on the floor. New place is bathed in light, ceiling fanned, renovated, let's-pretend-not-also-a-4th-floor-walkup, only three blocks away (read: requires no change to commute, Key Foods shopping, my addiction to morning pastries). Am I now adept at change or just so passive as to let everything change around me?

Ems and I braved crowds to shop and lines for Shake Shack today. And spent 45 minutes searching for a synonym to one word. We're determined folks.

Hoping after my bout with death I have that renewed something-something energy. Am trying. Am...succeeding? (MUSTREADAGAIN.)

There are other things but I'm checking my thoughts for the night and retiring for now.

Very, very, very

2009-05-14T03:53:00.000-04:00

sleepy.

G'nite until I have something more to say.

Mathematical equation

2009-05-11T02:15:00.000-04:00

Who worked 9 1/2 hours tonight? And who puked four times (and counting...) while working?

God you should be jealous.

2009-05-08T12:22:00.001-04:00

Bad bad bad bad mood.

Carb fail

2009-05-07T21:37:00.000-04:00

I made pasta...and forgot to make sauce.

Dry, sauceless tortellini. This doesn't surprise me, the way life is going these days.

ETA: A very optimistic Michael J. Fox and his wife made me immediately happy (and sad, but I'm going with happy).

ETA 2: Taking a look at Mopler's resume and such reminds me of the good ol' bad days of job searching. Never tire of reading "awkwardly sway to a slow Jonas Brothers jam" in the middle of one of my cover letters. Mission: to bring that girl back.

Shouts

2009-05-06T02:06:00.000-04:00

My brother is going to be in a one-act play.

My Alex is going to be a famous writer (slash everything else under the sun).

These two keep me motivated.

Can't, won't stop

2009-05-05T08:56:00.000-04:00

You can stand under my umbrella...ella...ella...ella...

Grabbing the quiche outta the hands of the NYUers!

2009-05-03T04:07:00.001-04:00

It is four in the morning. I am awake because, because I'm not sure why. Sort of wish my 5 a.m. schedule stuck. The morning hours have so much potential...

Emmers arrived in the city (note: your blog description to the right has been updated accordingly) and we went to Chipotle, that comforting haven of witty cups and gargantuan burritos that's somehow always conducive to an eight-month catch-up of school, work, stress, pastries. So very happy her apartment sits squarely between my work and home (how selfish of me!) and even happier we can pick up as if no time has passed. Immediately, I must read more, eat more! (Chipotle won't be a regular stop, no no, not with so many scones to try.) Oh, and we went to Trader Joe's and proper food is now in my fridge.

Very odd feeling, to be in an apartment in the city, alone. Feels like...a home. Real. Can't imagine anyone else living here before they did, whereas I'll forever feel like a visitor in my Brooklyn room. Need to individualize but...too lazy. Or too foreclosed-upon.

Conan the Barbarian is on and I immediately recognized James Earl Jones' voice as the guy from The Sandlot. (Whatta movie.) And Arnold just killed a bird, maybe with his teeth? Wasn't paying attention. I hope it wasn't endangered.

G'nite!

Quick!

2009-05-02T01:52:00.000-04:00

TRAILER ALERT!
Julie & Julia is going to be a-flipping-mazing.

ARTICLE ALERT!
"Real creative urges, those we are meant to express, don’t go away. If ignored, they bother us, affect our health, fester and eventually turn us into the living dead."

Snore pie

2009-04-30T00:14:00.000-04:00

One day I'll pinpoint the synapse, or whatever it is, that makes me wake up able to form complete sentences or...not. Today was a not. A notty day? No...I'm not touching that.

Although buying seven tabloids in the morning before they were on the stands was alternately hilarious and horrifying. Maybe reading them made me all mush-mouthed? Funny how a sentence or two changes your entire day...

I think I am getting dumberer by the day...

Thus endeth the day.

Oh PS - Emily is moving here within hours. Huzzah! I welcome you back, my fellow lover of carbs, bakeries, and oats.

Free day

2009-04-27T22:29:00.001-04:00

Was like 12 hours of recess.

Long morning, laundry, lunch (sushi, yom) with S., haircut, shopping in Soho.

Kindle love/loathe. (Anne Fadiman! Emily, read it!)

(Were any of these complete sentences? DON'TMATTA. Recess still on.)

What's unfortunate

2009-04-27T01:49:00.000-04:00

Is that I really have nothing new to say.

I can't make my words do anything for me.

Eek. Ack. (Do those count?)

Oh yes, except: Sleep.